


If I Ever Leave This World Alive

by teadominusrex



Series: You Are My Sunshine [1]
Category: King Falls AM (Podcast)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, It's mostly angst - Freeform, M/M, Pre-Canon, no happy ending, sammy is hot mess someone help him, yet - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 16:07:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14596683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teadominusrex/pseuds/teadominusrex
Summary: Sammy and Jack before King Falls and Sammy after Jack





	If I Ever Leave This World Alive

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from the Flogging Molly song (this isn't a song fic I just like the title)
> 
> I haven't written for King Falls AM in a long time but episode 75 broke into my apartment and killed me, so I wrote an angesty fic to cope.

“Hey” someone pokes Sam (it would be another 3 months before he called himself Sammy) in the arm “do you have a pen I can borrow?”

Sam turns to reply, to say that he only had one pen and stops, wind knocked out of him. 

The guy is gorgeous, with curly blonde hair, bright blue-green eyes and too many freckles to count. 

Sam realizes he’s staring, and really hopes his face isn’t as red as it feels. 

“Uh” he says “yeah, here” he hands the guy his pen.

“Thanks, dude. I’m Jack, by the way” he holds out his hand and Sam takes it, trying not to think about how soft it is. 

“I’m Sam” 

“Nice to meet you”

 

“Hey, you must be Sammy. I’m Ben” Ben holds out a hand and Sammy shakes it.

“Nice to meet you.” Sammy says “so you’re the producer, right?” 

Ben nods “yeah but I wanna be a journalist! One of the greats, you like… like Cronkite, and Brocaw…” his sparkle with something so familiar Sammy’s heart aches. 

Sammy fakes a smile “that’s awesome. Follow your dreams, and all that”

Ben gives him a look “uh huh… so what brings you to King Falls? I mean, I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to live here but… your from California right? That’s not exactly close”

It’s an innocent question and Sammy is completely unprepared for it. 

“Uh” he says “I… needed a change in scenery”  

It’s not a complete lie 

 

“I just think ‘Sammy Stevens’ is more radio, you know?” Jack says “than Sam Stevens, I mean”

“Yeah. Yeah totally” Sammy says and Lily rolls her eyes. 

“We’re supposed to be studying” she says, tapping the open book in front of Jack with her pencil “do I need to separate you two so you can focus?” 

“No no look, we’re studying, right Sammy?” 

Sammy feels his ears go red “yeah, we’re studying, so relax, Lily” 

Lily rolls her eyes again. “If you fail all your finals because you were to busy staring longing at each other, don’t blame me”

Sammy glares at her and blows the hair out of his face “shut up Lily, I’m not-”

“You’re not gay,” Lily says “yeah we know I was just messing with you” 

“Who’s not studying now?” Jack quips and Lily throws a highlighter at him.

 

“Do you have a pen I can borrow?”

Sammy snaps out of his thoughts “what?”

“Do you have a pen? Or a pencil?” Ben repeats

“Oh. Yeah, I think so” Sammy digs a pen out of his jacket pocket and tosses it to Ben.

“Thanks” Ben says “so what were you thinking out? You looked a million miles away”

“Nothing” Sammy lies. He was thinking about Jack, because he’s always thinking about Jack. 

Ben looks like he wants to pry, but he decides against it, thankfully. He goes back to that damn notebook, and Sammy has to look away. He’s just too much like Jack. 

 

“Can I talk to you?”

Sammy looks up from his book as Lily settles herself down on his bed without asking. 

“I’m going to ask you something and I need you to be honest with me” she says.

Sammy sighs and dog-ears the page he’s on, earning a reproachful look from Lily “okay, what is it?”

“Do you have a problem with Jack being gay?”

“What?” Sammy splutters “no, of course not why would you think that?”

“Because” Lily gives him her Protective Big Sister look “you’ve been a total dick to Allen” 

“Allen’s the dick” Sammy scowled 

“No, he’s not. He’s really good to Jack and Jack really likes him” Lily sighs “look, Sammy-”

“I’m not homophobic” 

Lily gives him her Are You Sure About That look.

Sammy runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “Gay people can’t be homophobic, right?” 

“But you’re not gay” Lily says, and then gives him a look he can’t place “wait, are you?”

“Yeah” Sammy can’t look at her.

“Oh.” she says “Sammy… so you’re jealous?”

“What? No, I’m not!” 

“Oh my god” Lily’s eyes light up like her birthday came early “you are so jealous. You’re in love with Jack, aren’t you?”

“Jesus, keep your voice down!” Sammy hisses 

“Oh my god” Lily says again “okay, I won’t tell anyone. But you should tell him” she ruffles his hair, just to piss him off “but if you ever break his heart, no one will ever find your body”

 

_ Who is Sammy Stevens? _

The words burn in Sammy’s ears and he’s shaking so hard he as to pull over. He gets out of his car, and sinks to the ground, trying to get ahold of his breathing.

It’s too damn warm for December, too warm for long sleeves, but he can’t let people see his wrists.

He’d almost told Ben everything. He’d almost broken down and told the truth, all of it. Or most of it, at least. 

But he can’t. 

He just can’t.

 

“Okay, so, Sammy” Jack says and Sammy turns to look at him.

“That’s your ‘I have something to tell you’ voice” he says. “What is it?”

The sun went down hours ago, and it’s still too hot. The power had gone out, so Jack and Sammy had climbed on the roof of their apartment building to eat the ice cream bars before they all melted. 

“I… I overheard you and Lily talking a few weeks ago.”

“Okay?” Sammy raised an eyebrow “we talk a lot” 

“I heard you come out dude” 

“Oh”

“Yeah and I kept hoping you were gonna say something,” Jack continues, ripping up a wrapper “but you didn’t even when I broke up with Allen”

“I… did you hear… other stuff?”

“Yeah” Jack says 

“Shit” Sammy sighs. He picks a the sleeve of his shirt and Jack wonders how he’s still wearing long sleeves in this heat. 

“Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I have feelings for you to” 

“Shit” Sammy curses again “don’t say that. I can’t be what you want me to be Jack”

“I don’t want you to be anything but you” Jack says, reaching for Sammy’s hand but Sammy moves away.

“You want me to be your  _ boyfriend”  _ Sammy bites out the word “and I can’t, Jack, I just can’t”

“Why not?” Jack demands “we both like each other so-” 

“Because I’m not like you” Sammy snaps “I can’t be out. I’m sorry, Jack you deserve so much better than me.”

“Okay, wow, a lot to unpack there” Jack tries for lighthearted and misses “we don’t have to tell anyone until you're ready, Sammy. I promise. And I want to be with you” 

Sammy bites his lip. “Are you sure you’re okay with not telling people?”

Jack nods “yeah, yeah I’m not gonna make you come out or something” he pushes the hair out of Sammy’s eyes. “You have my word” 

Sammy feels his face heat up “okay… okay, I just don’t want you to regret anything-”

Jack cuts him off with a kiss. “I won’t regret a thing, darling”

 

Sammy tries not to be jealous when Emily comes home. Because what kind of monster would be jealous that the love of their best friend’s live is home?

He really wants to kill Greg, or at least kick his ass, because it wasn’t fair. 

But he also knows Emily’s in no place to have her world shaken up again. He wishes he knew how to tell her to dump Greg before things got really bad, before the lies escalated. But Sammy doesn’t know how without hurting her more. 

He feels so useless, but that’s nothing new.

 

“Hey, honey,” Sammy knocks in the open door of Jack’s office “I made dinner, come on”

“I’ll eat later, I’m pretty busy right now” Jack replies, not looking up from his computer.

Sammy sighs “Come on, it’s been forever since we had dinner together. You can take one night off, right?” 

Jack finally looks up at Sammy “this is-”

“Really important, I know” Sammy says, fighting the urge to snap. He’d been planning this for months, there was no way he was backing down. “But please? I made your favorite. And I even made desert.”

Jack hesitates for a moment. “Alright. I guess it has been a while since we had a date night. And I am pretty hungry” 

Sammy smiles and pulls Jack by the hand to the dining room.

“Candles and rose petals?” Jack asks “you really went all out, huh” 

Sammy listens to Jack talk about King Falls while they eat, loving they way his eyes sparkle and how he waves his hands when he gets excited. 

“Hey, so I’ve been thinking, lately” Sammy reaches out and takes Jack’s hand 

“Oh?” Jack smirks “that’s new”

Sammy rolls his eyes “I’ve been thinking about us. And our future. And where we want to be and who I wanna be to you”

“That’s… a lot to think about” 

“Yeah…” Sammy fidgets with the box in his pocket “I think I’m fucking this up”

“Fucking what up?”

“Okay. Okay. So” Sammy slides out of his chair and get down on one knee “I guess what I’m trying to say is-”

“Yes, yes of course” Jack bursts out and Sammy gives him a look 

“You didn’t let me finish” 

“Yeah, whatever” Jack says “come here and kiss me” 

Sammy complies, dropping himself into Jack’s lap and kissing him deeply “here” he says, opening the ring box “I uh. This one is yours” Sammy fumbles with the silver and sapphire ring, and Jack giggles at him when he finally gets the ring one Jack’s hand.

“I’m guessing this one is yours?” Jack asks, taking the silver and ruby ring, much more gracefully than his fiancé had. 

Sammy nods and Jack slipes it onto his hand 

“And I’ll wear all the time too.” Sammy says “and if anyone asks I’ll tell them my fiancé’s name is Jack and I love him more than anything else in the world”

“Really?”

“Really, honey. I wanna come out.”

Jack kisses him, long and sweet “I love you so much”

“I love you too”

 

Sammy doesn’t wear the ring. He promised to would but it felt so wrong after Jack disappeared, so Sammy put it on a chain around his neck. He runs his thumb across it, mind in the Void when someone bangs on his door.

Sammy opens his door, already opening his mouth to tell Ben, or Troy or Ron or  _ whoever  _ to leave him alone, but he stops when he sees Mary, holding a casserole dish.

“Hey Sammy” she says “I know you don’t want to talk to anyone, but would you at least take the casserole? You still need to eat” 

Sammy sighs “come in, it’s freezing. Sorry, it’s… kinda a mess” 

Sammy is normally a stress cleaner, but lately it’s seemed completely pointless.

He takes a the casserole from Mary “It’s chicken” she tells him as sits on the couch.

“Thanks, I… appreciate it” Sammy says “do you want coffee? I think I have some left” 

“Sure, thanks” Mary says and awkward silence fills the aptremment as Sammy fumbles threw making a pot of coffee.

“I’m not going to ask you anything stupid, like how your feeling” Mary says once she as her coffee. “I just wanted to say I don’t think you should leave. It’ll break Ben’s heart”

“I can’t stay, Mary” Sammy stares down his coffee “I’ve already made up my mind”

“Can’t stay in King Falls?” Mary gives him a look he can’t place. “Or can’t stay?” 

Sammy realizes he’s wearing a t-shirt and Mary all his scars, the old ones and the fresh ones on full display. Shit.

“Can’t stay in King Falls” Sammy says and Mary doesn’t say anything for a moment.

“Your boyfriend would have wanted-” 

“Fiancé” Sammy corrects, his tongue feeling like lead “and don’t tell me what he would have wanted” 

“Sorry” Mary says “I didn’t mean anything by it” 

“I know, I just…” Sammy trails off, unable to think anymore

“Miss him?” Mary fills in and Sammy nods 

“So much it hurts” 

Mary pulls him into a fierce hug before she leaves and tells him

“Don’t do anything stupid”

 

Sammy wakes when he feels a kiss pressed to his temple. 

Jack runs his fingers though Sammy’s hair “sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you”

“What time is it?” Sammy yawns, sitting up to get a look at the alarm clock. 

“3:46” it reads 

“Have you been up all night again?” Sammy frowns and reaches for Jack “come to bed, you need your sleep”

“Go back to sleep” Jack says “I’ll be back soon”

“What?” Sammy tries to blink his sleepiness away “what are you talking about?”

“I’ll be right back” Jack promises again “I love you” 

Sammy yawns “Love you too. And you better be right back. I miss you” 

Sammy wakes up 3 hours later to an empty house.

 

Sammy can’t stop shaking. 

He digs his fingernails into his palms, letting the slight sting sink in. He’s come too far too chicken out now.

Sammy feels guilty for lying to Ben, to everyone, for leaving with saying go bye and ditching the last show, but Ben would just try to stop him, and if he got hurt because of Sammy, Sammy would never forgive himself.

The cave is impossible dark, even for 2am. 

Something pulls as Sammy’s chest, something familiar and-

“Jack?”

_ What do you want, Sammy Stevens? _

Sammy swallows and will his voice not to shake “Jack Wright. I want Jack Wright back”

_ You’ll never get him back _

“Please” Sammy’s voice breaks “take me instead” 

_ That’s not how this works  _

“Then just-”

And then Sammy sees him, his Jack, just for moment.

“Just take me, please please please” 

_ Not yet _

**Author's Note:**

> Part two coming, maybe, if I get my shit toegether


End file.
